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And then I was like, oh yeah — this is that feeling from back when I had boyfriends. Like I am not worthy of being loved because of how I look. I feel almost physically sub-human, as if any man who looks at my naked body without saying something cruel is doing me a kindness. When I was dating women, and when I was not dating, I didn’t really stress out about my appearance.

I haven’t had one in over 5 years, and I kind of assumed that those old weird insecure feelings I used to have were something I just matured out of. Apparently what happened is that I stopped dating dudes. Like, that any man who is with me is only settling because he can’t get what he really wants. Sometimes I looked good, sometimes I looked bad and I feel like I had a fairly objective sense of the whole thing. I was able to see, in an objective sense, that my hair was fine (strangely, better than normal) my skin was fine.

And, what do you know, yeah that was the comment that was playing in my mind when I woke up this morning. Sometimes, my ex girlfriend would find other women attractive and I didn’t mind.

I’m open to the idea that people can have multiple types, that just because someone is into — say — blondes doesn’t mean they’re not into me. The first conclusion that I jumped to was One of the ways men absolve themselves for responsibility for their own sexual feelings is to make an identity out of it, and act as if their desires are out of their control because it’s just “who they are.” You see this this narrative clearly in the gay community (“I was born this way”) but it also happens with straight guys too.

Motto: Have you ever thought to yourself, I am ugly?I mean, I think it was a reasonable hypothesis — women feel like shit about how they look because they see hyper-beauty everywhere — but again, I think there’s more to the story than that.Because, female fetishization of beauty was not as painful to me as male fetishization.All around us we see gorgeous people, on television, in movies and magazines.We see ugly people too, but they're not the main actors.

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